Four eyes and one big brain

In college, my roomate and I one semester waited tables at the same restaurant. Sometimes on the same shift.

One day a waitress there -- I think we both had a bit of a crush on her -- was refilling someone's Dr. Pepper and sort of sighed, as she gazed longingly across the room at my friend: "Trey's so smart."

Huh.

"I mean, he's really, really smart," she said.

"Yeah, he's a pretty bright guy," I answered, puzzled.

A little later in the day, she said it again: "I can't get over how smart Trey is!"

I was starting to get annoyed.

"Well, ya know ... Trey and I are in a lot of the same classes and we make about the same grades," I offered.

In fact, I had just kicked his hiney in the semester-long, dreaded "Junior Poet" project. But, he was my buddy, and my intention wasn't to make him look bad ... just to make me look not quite so ... not not-smart.

The waitress eyed me speculatively.

"Yeah, but Trey looks smart."

Huh?

I thought about it. And thought about it. What about Trey dressed him as a towering intellectual in the eyes of this woman?

It finally ocurred to me: the glasses. The wire-rimmed glasses he needed to do anything from read a menu to write his name.

I, on the other hand, looked like a former linebacker from Hicksville, Texas. Ironic, because Trey was the former linebacker ... but still.

Since then, I've been waiting somewhat anxiously for my eyesight to go.

For the past 16 years I've read in low light every chance I get. I frequently venture outside without sunglasses. I avoid carrots.

I've even thought about buying a pair of designer frames with, um, glass lenses. Just plain ol' glass. But it seemed a little too much like ... oh, I don't know: hair plugs; liposuction; a penile implant.

The other day I woke up and, over coffee, tried to read the newspaper. The text kept blurring. I closed my left eye: Yep, blurry. I closed my right eye: clear.

At last, I thought (monocles no longer being fashionable): Glasses!

By noon I was seeing fine. Turns out I was just hung-over.

So I'm still waiting.

Trey, on the other hand, has since moved on to contact lenses, earned his Ph.D. and is now a professor of English literature in Virginia.